Obviously Miss Fats had an Oscar Party. And obviously there was an excessive amount of food and celebration. It was a long day and night, so Miss Fats is going to Joan and Melissa Rivers this evening to you and stick to the important things: food and fashion (cats implicit).
[Disclaimer: J got really sick and totally slacked on doing her half of the work lately, so the untimeliness of this post is totally her fault. But you shouldn’t take it out on her, she’s suffered enough. She had to eat nothing but stupid soup and pudding snack packs for like, a week.]
This was the massive spread of food Miss Fats got to indulge in all night. There were nine dishes total: one for each best pic nom. Don’t worry, Miss Fats tried them all. The savory dishes can all be credited to Miss Fats’ friend, who slaved away all day (way to not get the message of the all anti-slavery films, friend). Since she cannot speak to the specifics of these dishes, Miss Fats is going to give you a quick photo tour of all the amazing dishes of the night. She leaves everyone else to just be envious of how awesome her friends are.
M: Here are two yummy steaming bowls of meat and spice: The “shredded tarantino” was a spicy pulled pork served on top of cheddar biscuits; “hushpuppy’s gumbo” paid homage to the south with some andouille sausage action.
J: Can I just add that M made the cheddar biscuits and they were SHAPED LIKE HEARTS. And kind of tasted like Red Lobster biscuits. This is why I love her!
M: “Manicotizone with Vodka” obviously is the tastiest prescription for depression ever.
J: This was disgusting. I hate melted cheese.
M: With so many films set in the Middle East, there had to be a pita feast.
J: Little turkey (?) meatballs in a delicious white bean hummus with pita hats!
M: Miss Fats’ personal favorite: “Hathaway’s Method” perfectly captured Annie’s pre-Mis diet.
J: Guys, it’s an empty plate. GET IT? GET IT!?
M: This half of Miss Fats was on dessert duty for the evening. Her first addition was a Life of Pie, which was a simple apple pie, complete with Pi cut out. She was horribly disappointed with her crust so, out of shame, she refuses to speak any more about this dish.
J: Shut up. I ate the leftovers for breakfast the next day and it was delicious. I’m not saying it was Bang Bang level, but IT WAS A DANG GOOD PIE.
M: “Assassination by Chocolate” was a crazy combination of chocolate cupcakes, filled with chocolate ganache, topped with whip cream and a hand-sculpted hat made of brownie and dipped in dark chocolate. CHOCOBOMB. Oh and please note the inappropriate use of red frosting. Yep. Miss Fats WENT THERE. Note: these were completely successful: Miss Fats wanted to die afterwards.
J: Dear Abe, Miss Fats is very sorry that you had to die in such a violent and unexpected way, but these tribute cupcakes were freaking awesome, blood spatter and all.
This was really two desserts in one. The chocolate cupcakes were full of creamy ganache and totally were enough death on their own. You had to take your hat off (haha yes, take your hat off to this cupcake because it ruled) and eat it separately, and let me just say that was CHOCOLATE INSANITY. Ughh why don’t I have one of those right now. Dense rich brownie covered in super rich chocolate.
She doesn’t want to brag, but Miss Fats came in first at the Oscar pool. In true Miss Fats form, she used the money she won to buy froyo the following day.
And now on to FASHION.
As a whole, Miss Fats found the dresses to be a serious snore this year. Way to out-do the women, dudes. In order to make things better, Miss Fats has outfitted her best dressed with better heads in hope of recuperating some of the joy of the red carpet (which seemed to have been tragically strangled by 90’s chokers).
BEST DRESSED LADIES
M: First up: Bullock. Miss Fats was into this beaded vintage-y gown. She likes the scalloped beading because it reminds her of her excessive Downton Abbey binge sessions. Though this is a pretty safe (and typical) move for Bullock, Miss Fats would still be into having a pretend picnic in tiaras with her any time.
J: Now that I’m looking at it again, I don’t like that you can see her knees through this. It was still a bazillion times prettier than all the other dresses. She should stop marrying d-bags and making super stupid movies though.
M: Miss Fats was a big fan of this beaded number. I mean she loves her sparkle and Chastain worked that with her damn pretty face and skin. Not everyone can do this goldy-peachy business, but Chastain looked good. Which Miss Fats was VERY thankful for because so far she’s been pretty hit or miss (lets not recount the Globes hair situation. She needed cat head photoshop immediately.)
J: Not really excited by this. She didn’t look as shitty as Hugh Jackman’s scary wife so she made the list.
M: Picking a third winner was tough for Miss Fats. They ultimately went with Berry because at least she tried something different. Plus there were sparkles. Clearly Miss Fats is attracted to shiny objects. Miss Fats, unlike most, enjoys a youthful dress with sleeves, and Berry’s gown managed to look covered but still fun and oscar-worthy. She’s not so into the little strappy things up front, but the curve-emphasizing work on the sides makes up for it.
J: My vote was either for the top half of Nicole Kidman’s dress or all of Clooney’s ladyfriend’s dress, but the bottom of Kidman’s dress was weird, and Miss Fats decided you can’t make a best dressed list if your only claim to fame is that you’re shtupping the Cloons, so CONGRATS HALLE! Your dress was visually non-repulsive, you are a legitimate actress, and Miss Fats did actually like the Art Deco-ish-ness of it.
M: Don’t even get Miss Fats started on how DISAPPOINTED she was by Hathaway’s gown. Unlike many, Miss Fats actually likes Annie and she typically tops the dressed list. And frankly, Hathaway has kind of been killing it on the red carpet this season. THEN SHE SHOWS UP IN THIS. Why? Why nipples? Why halter top? Why back necklace? She does not understand why Hathaway wants to be the thirteen year old version of 90’s Paltrow. The worst part? Her dresses for her Les Mis performance and the Vanity Fair after party were far superior. Easily would have won her best dressed of the night. Bad move, Annie.
J: You really would think the heir to the throne of Genovia would have a better stylist. Miss Fats called this dress “fancy apron” all night, because, well, IT’S A FANCY APRON. Anne, did you bring some scones to the party? Were you at home all day roasting a chicken? Miss Fats couldn’t find a photo where the hideousness of this ensemble really came through, so CONSIDER YOURSELVES LUCKY.
BEST DRESSED DUDES
M: DDL really stole the fashion show for Miss Fats. I mean, who you do you think you are, DDL, with that navy and black suit? You cray on so many levels and Miss Fats is into it.
J: Day-Lewis be on that suit and tie shit.
M: Miss Fats loves this little guy. Despite being small, Waltz always looks sharp.
J: He’s all like, lemme show you a few things. Long as he’s got his suit and tie, he gon leave it all on the floor tonight.
M: Black on Black. Not many can do it. Downey can and clearly he knows it by that steady green-eyed stare.
J: Miss Fats has always said, put any dude in a tux/suit and he’s automatically 60% cuter. It’s freaking TRUE, people. This shit is hella sharp. So into it. Also have had new Justin Timberlake song stuck in my head for a month, in case you couldn’t tell.
THIS AWARD GOES TO CHANNING TATUM, BECAUSE HE WORE CLOTHES. Sorry Chan, being dressed is just not your best look.